Welcome back, Real Housewives of New York City. Last time I saw you, there were three different faces and three different housewives. Good lord, every single member of the cast has had at least one facelift and intensive botox since the last season. I don’t even think Sonja can smile anymore. Just to catch everyone up, Bravo dumped four housewives last season, Alex (crazy husband), Kelly (crazy everything), Jill (crazy Jewish mother), and what’s-her-name (crazy boring). They then added three new housewives and since I’m too lazy to wikipedia them I will refer to them as Fake-leg, Fast-talker, and What-do-you-bring-to-the-table (or WDYBTTT for short). Fake-leg may or may not be related to Fran Drescher but her slutty ex-husband is related to almost every housewife, Fast-talker talked a lot about death and is already a mini-less-drunk Ramona, WDYBTTT did nothing besides admit she didn’t know the Kardashians and look vaguely familiar. Thank god for crazy Ramona and Sonja who bring the party every time, I don’t care how you feel about Ramona and her drunkiness, catiness and dramaness but the bitch brings it every season. Sonja, with her wide legs, has already injected the season with drama by maybe sleeping with Fake-leg’s ex, SCORE. I will admit I did kind of miss Brooklyn and her creepy husband but as the Countess would say “C’est la vie, c’est bon, c’est bon.” (also how weird was it the Fake-leg and Countess talked in French for like a whole minute, please bitch, you just met.)
The season started off with a party at Sonja’s, where Fake-leg was upset for some reason that no one could fathom besides her. Sonja reassured her that she had known her ex for many years and he was always comforted by her, I get a Madison Avenue hooker vibe from that. We then had to wade through the next hour of awkward introductions and back stories, Fake-leg lost her leg in a childhood accident and has four children, Fast-talker makes spandex things and knows Beyonce, WDYBTTT wrote a book about her husband dying and now wants to get laid in her fuck-me dress ( I did not realize she was a housewife until the end, I was hoping it was a Dana-Beverly Hills situation).
I sort of got the feeling that the ‘Businesswomens’ lunch’ that Ramona was attending was really one-sided, Fast-talker thought she was ridiculous, which she is, but she still played nice. It wasn’t until they started one-upping each other with stories about how their babies almost died that I was on-board with this season. Ramona will teach you the ways of crazy, young padawan. Sonja and Fake-leg bonded over pedicures where Sonja learned the hard truth, if you lose your leg you’ll have to pay extra for a mani/pedi. Flat fake feet need love too.
While Sonja was pretending to not gag at Fake-leg, Fast-talker made an ass of herself by talking fast over Ramona and her husband and then acting like it was their fault. Mini-Ramona meet mom, she’s like you but drunker. This all cultivated into WDYBTTT still not bringing anything to the table and a tense outside lunch between the newbies and Countess, it felt like one of the episodes of Degrassi where the old cast member would drop a drama bomb and the new cast would talk about how dramatic that all is and then get involved. “We’ll never become mean girls,” says one of the faceless three. Too bad Fast-talker is almost there, this season shall be known as Mean Girls 3: Middle Age Attack.
4 out of 5 empty glasses of Pinot Grigio